New Orleans, Louisiana resident Amelia Granath, 33, is feeling very nervous about bringing her fiancée home to meet her parents. For most people, introducing their significant other is a big step, but it’s beyond stressful for Amelia as her fiancée isn’t the kind of potential spouse that most parents dream of for their children—Amelia’s fiancée is a 325-year-old-ghost-pirate named Captain “Red Legs” Hawkins.
There are many religious and cultural reasons that could cause parents to forbid a marriage, but Amelia is hoping that her mother and dad will be okay with her marrying a man who has been dead and buried for over 250 years and was someone who did unspeakable acts of terror while he was alive.
“I decided to tell my parents about Red Legs before they meet him in person,” Amelia said. “They weren’t happy when my sister, Lisa, married a man 10-years older than she. If I didn’t give my parents some background information on Red Legs and let them process it before meeting him, they might have become overwhelmed with terror when they sense his presence for the first time. Once they get used to the idea of me marrying someone 290 years my senior, I’m hoping they’ll get past the fact that he has no physical body and that he was a sadistic sea-robber in his former life.”
Amelia is certain that Red Legs will be able to convince her parents that his intentions are honorable and that he is the only man for her.
“We have a really special meet-cute story. What many people don’t know is that Barataria Bay (23 miles from New Orleans) was a popular port for pirates, and Red Legs has been haunting this whole area for hundreds of years. I guess one day, the stars aligned, and he found himself in my apartment. What are the chances?” Amelia said. “I’ve always been able to speak with dead people, so when I sensed this new masculine energy around me on my day off from the library, I said, ‘Yo, buddy, I know you’re here; you better not mean me any harm’ which broke the ice. We just started talking as you do when you’re connecting with a hot ghost-pirate, and before I knew what hit me we were in love. When you have the kind of chemistry that we have, you can’t fight it.”
The couple hasn’t held back and has tried to be honest about their lives. Red Legs told Amelia about the number of men, women, and children that he murdered, the graves he robbed, and the villages he pillaged, and in return, Amelia spoke of her love of adventure, boba tea, and Bruno Mars.
Amelia recounts the moment when she knew Red Legs was the one. “At one point he said to me, ‘You know I’m dead, right?” I just laughed and said, ‘Of course, you’re talking to me about how you used to give your parrot enough ale to make him drunk—that’s not something someone has on their Tinder profile.’ He’s the most fascinating person I’ve ever met, and he has such a dry sense of humor. I knew I wanted to be with him in this life and the next,”
Amelia believes that Red Legs will win her parents over with his winning personality.
“Red Legs wanted to give my mom a hostess gift of gold doubloons and some pieces of eight, but that would have involved me trying to find his buried treasure before family dinner on Sunday. I’m not great reading maps so I suggested instead that he give my mom some flowers and my dad a bottle of rum—something both he and my dad could enjoy together,” Amelia continued, “Once my parents understand that Red Leg’s days of plundering, ravaging, smuggling, and whoring are behind him and see how well he treats me, I think they’ll support our marriage.”
Emme Brody, Amelia’s best friend said, “Amelia has always followed her heart. When I first heard that she had gotten involved with a ghost-pirate, I had my doubts, but after spending time with them, I think he’s perfect for her.”
Amelia admits that she worries that things might get awkward during dinner with the parents. “The only pirates my parents have ever encountered are the ones at Disneyland and all they know about them are cliché phrases like “Shiver me timbers” and “Walk the plank,” which Red Legs said are completely made-up. Real pirates said things like ‘Eat what falls from my tail,’ and ‘I come from hell and I’ll carry you there presently,’ and if someone had said ‘Arrgh, matey ‘ to Red Legs, he would have pulled out their teeth and made them drink their own blood.”
Another issue is Red Leg’s romantic past. “It makes me sad that being a pirate was the only job option he had, and that the closest he came to having a relationship with a woman was with the whores who worked in the brothels he frequented. I just hope that my parents will be able to see (no pun intended) how much he’s grown during his time in the afterlife and how he’ll make a fantastic husband. I really am the luckiest woman in the world..”
One thing that Amelia and Red Legs aren’t going to discuss with her parents is their sex life. When asked about what it’s like having sex with a ghost, Amelia blushed and gave it an enthusiastic thumbs up.
“Oh my gosh, spiritual sex is the best,” Amelia said. “We’ve found that the missionary position works the best for us because I can feel his weight on me. Although some other positions may be more complicated, they’re still doable. We’re both looking forward to trying all kinds of new positions, toys, and role-play—maybe sometimes I can be the pirate and he can be Johnny Depp.”
Here's hoping that Amelia’s relationship with her ghost-pirate gets approval from her parents and that she and Captain Hawkins can start planning their nuptials. One thing they know for sure, their wedding won’t be held on Talk Like a Pirate Day.