FYI, your cat is trying to kill you.
I once had a dog who would move clothes from one bedroom to the other when my roommate and I were out. One time we came home to find him dragging a bra down the hallway, whether or not he had plans to wear it we’ll never know. But, he was likely busy googling how to become a contestant on “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” Perhaps you’ve wondered what your pet is up to when you’re not home, and these tweets about what happens when your pet uses Google can help you understand what Fluffy and Fido really think about you. Because, admit it, you really want to know what’s going on inside of those furry little heads.
If you have a cat, they’re likely searching how to escape from captivity while dogs might be trying to figure out how to get more treats or how to keep your poop out of their water bowl, also known as the toilet. Fluffy and Fido are hastaging #MyPetsGoogleSearch on Twitter to commiserate with their fellow furry friends because sometimes humans just don’t understand.
I have been curious enough about what my pets are thinking that I’ve actually consulted an animal communicator to translate those woofs and meows into English.
The pet psychic revealed that my dog BiBi spent time in my old apartment — a historic (haunted) building adjacent to Paramount studios that was originally built to house the company’s actors — listening to records with a sad old man. This was troubling because I’d actually had a paranormal experience that involved me waking up two nights in a row to BiBi barking at a shadowy figure in my bedroom doorway. Instead of googling how to get rid of the ghost, BiBi decided to chill with him instead. After my dog befriended him, the ghost generally left me alone. Wondering what your pet is looking up online while you’re away? Here’s what Fluffy and Fido had to say on Twitter.
1. Why Human Poop In My Water Bowl?
A lot of dogs eat poop — their own and random poops they find on the street — but it turns out that they actually don’t appreciate their human parents expelling bodily waste into their giant porcelain water bowls. Seriously, this is where they draw the line. Because, standards.
2. How To Act Like Human
To your dog, that whole being a human thing looks pretty appealing because humans can go places that dogs aren’t allowed. Plus, they don’t have to eat the same boring meal every damn day. While at first glance being a human might seem attractive, once Fido realizes that adulting requires having a job, doing taxes, and dealing with other humiliating responsibilities like carrying around dog poop in a bag, they’re likely relieved to be a spoiled pet instead. Because, let’s face, most humans would gladly trade places with their dogs. On the other hand, cats are smart enough to know that they’re getting the better end of the deal and they’re likely googling “why are humans so dumb.”
3. Why Humans Hate Gifts?
If you have an indoor/outdoor cat, Fluffy has probably brought you gifts of the dead or almost dead variety. My late cat Gypsy could catch a bird in mid air even while wearing a bell to give those birds a fighting chance. She also used to trap mice, bite off their heads, and leave their mutilated bodies next to my car. Gypsy couldn’t understand why I didn’t appreciate these gifts, but she kept bringing them anyways.
4. Why Human Bed Sound Like My Chew Toy?
It’s no secret that Fluffy and Fido like to be included in everything. So, it’s troubling to them that they often get shut out of your secret human-to-human connection that results 10 minutes of bed squeaking. It your pets are upset that they don’t get to participate in the intimate sessions you share with your partner, it might be time for a birds and bees talk.
5. How To Get Away With Committing Crime
If you’ve seen the Disney movie “Lady and the Tramp,” then you know that cats can be crafty AF, and they often plot to wreak havoc in the house and blame it on the dog whom they consider inferior. While many cats love being trapped inside of your home their entire lives vis-a-vis “Grey Gardens,” others spend most of their time furiously plotting their escape. This is why it’s important to keep all questionable products that Fluffy could use to facilitate your demise out of reach.
6. How To Hide Evidence
Once Fluffy gets rid of you, they’ll need a place to stash your body so the “Criminal Minds” BAU can’t crack the case by profiling Fluffy as the type of cat who would definitely bury a body underneath the floorboards because they have mommy issues. Let’s face it, Fluffy is likely smarter than the FBI, and if Fluffy is able to get rid of you, chances are no one will ever find your remains. *shudder*
7. How To Escape Authorities
Once Fluffy has effectively done you in and stashed your corpse where no one will ever find it, they’re going to need a foolproof getaway plan. Obviously, this involves stealing your car, and in order to do that Fluffy is going to need to google a crash course in driving from Toonces the Driving Cat from “Saturday Night Live.”
8. How To Save Human From Murder Cat?
#MyPetsGoogleSearch— James Eman (@je_eman77) July 8, 2018
How to ship a cat internationally...
-the dog (obviously)
While Fluffy is busy plotting your demise, the main downfall of the plan will be the fact that Fluffy has underestimated Fido. If you have both a dog and a cat, your dog definitely has your back and will furiously google how to stop Fluffy from carrying out this evil plot because dogs are smart enough not to bite the hand that feeds them. It’s no secret that cats love boxes more than anything else. Once Fido lures Fluffy into the box, the only problem will be figuring out how to get the postman to pick it up because the relationship between dogs and mail carriers is tenuous at best.
9. I Save Human. Why Human Do This?
Humans think it’s super cute to dress their dogs up in ridiculous costumes. Cats generally escape this fate by letting their humans know that under no circumstances will they ever wear a tutu. The humans usually learn to leave Fluffy alone after the first round of scratching and hissing post-costume attempt leads to a staph infection and a round of antibiotics. Fido is more amenable to being dressed up because you control the food, however your dogs really wish you’d stop trying to take away their dignity.
10. Why Human So Grumpy?
In an alternate universe, Grumpy Old Man is a hella famous meme, and Fluffy and Fido spend hours on Twitter searching for the best Grumpy Old Man memes to share with their furry friends. This is how your cat and dog bond because the one thing they likely agree on is that humans are totally ridiculous creatures. If you disagree, consider this. You pick up your pets’ poop and carry it around in a bag like a prize. Perhaps you even share information about said poop with your roommate or partner. Who’s the queen here? Clearly not the person holding the poop.
What information would your pet search for on Google? Share your #MyPetsGoogleSearch story in the comments below.